I’ve Been Keeping Something From You

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by Elle on August 28, 2012

Symptom : Quiet blog
Cause: Withholding information

Yes my lovelies, I’ve been withholding information for the last few weeks, hence the incredibly silent blog.

I was actually supposed to be well on my way to starting this IVF with ICSI journey I’ve been so, so, so eager to start. I was so eager to get started that I actually had a countdown.

I’ve decided to wait a month or two

I’m not ready. Sounds ridiculous considering my excitement in the last few months doesn’t it?

There has been so much going on in our lives that I have a feeling it wouldn’t help our already-not-so-great chances of success at this IVF round. Knowing this, I don’t see the point of wasting the money.

My mind and body are simply not prepared.

Yes, I’d started preparing my body months ago by cutting our caffeine, saying ‘goodbye’ to a good friend, eating better, etc. But guess what I forgot to prepare? My mind!

I’m incredibly stressed. Probably the most stressed I’ve been in my life.

I have a very, very stressful job. Being self-employed I can’t just get up and look for another job. I’m in the process of slowly transitioning into another line of business, but that takes time. We’ve also been dealing with some family stress over the last few months that have reached their peak.

BF is beyond stressed out and guess what happens when he’s stressed? He shuts down.

We’re both so mentally exhausted from dealing with all of this that we’re too tired to do anything but sit around the house as zombies… the little time we do have together. As you can imagine, this puts a strain on our relationship.

My body is hating me … and isn’t afraid to show it

It’s hating me for putting it under stress and telling me loud and clear. I’ve always been a great sleeper, but over the last few weeks, I’m lucky if I get 3 hours a night. Of course, this means I’m less productive and more irritable during the day… and the cycles continues.

And if insomnia isn’t enough of a hint, for the first time EVER, my period was late last month. Trust me, there wasn’t a chance that I could be pregnant.

Much to BF’s dismay, I’ve convinced him to postpone our first cycle.  He’s a ‘doer’ and just wants to get this done, but I think you have to be in the right state of mind to go through IVF because that whole journey itself is enough to unravel anyone.

It’s disappointing and we’re both saddened. I just don’t see the point in going through IVF when we’re both under all this stress and pressure. We’ll wait another month and honestly, if things are still the same, I think we’ll postpone it again.

In the state we’re in now, I’m not sure if we could handle an unsuccessful IVF.

I’m disappointed, sad, still very impatient and relieved… all at once.

Relieved because I feel like we haven’t wasted a cycle. Sad and disappointed because I was so looking forward to it and impatient to get going already.

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