Embracing Jealousy

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by Elle on May 31, 2012

One of my closest friends and I no longer speak to each other. Although we were inseparable since the age of 13 well into our twenties, we drifted apart. We stopped living in the same city, we stopped having anything in common and we just stopped getting along altogether.

Like a marriage, sometimes friendships grow apart too. Too much had happened between us to be able to continue our friendship.

So we broke up… it was mutual.

One of the MANY things that led to our break up was her jealousy.  It seemed that she was competing with me in every aspect of my life – career, income, friends, relationships, etc. She just wasn’t happy for me when good things would happen and she wasn’t even bothered enough to hide it. She’d often end up frustrated and actually admit her jealousy and the cycle would continue until we just couldn’t communicate without resentment.

It’s been about 4 years since our ‘break up’.

We’re still Facebook friends because that’s how you roll on Facebook – you’re not really friends with your Facebook friends you just spy on each other.

During my Facebook spy-fest, I discovered a picture  her new baby.

My reaction surprised me. I was the one who was jealous this time. Throughout this TTC process, I really haven’t had feelings of jealousy or even real envy for pregnant women. Being the over-analytical person I am, I had to think about why this situation made me feel jealous.

I thought about it for days… cause I’m obsessive cool like that.

And then it hit me…

I’m jealous because she never wanted to have kids, I always did. Even in our crazy teenage years, I always talked of becoming a mother one day as she rolled her eyes and gagged at the thought of dirty diapers.

How ironic.

I’m angry at the situation. The one who never wanted kids ends up with a beautiful baby and the one who always dreamed of becoming a mother ends up with more negative pregnancy tests than I care to count and  sky high bills from infertility clinics.

Really universe? REALLY?!

I spent a few days feeling guilty over my jealousy

In fact, I didn’t even want to admit it to myself. I felt like a bad person. All these years, I was angry that she was too busy being jealous to ever be happy for me and now I’m doing the same thing? I felt like a hypocrite.

And then I said ‘SCREW IT!(I actually said it out loud).

Why am trying to deny how I feel? I’m jealous and that’s that! I’m only human and it doesn’t make me a bad person. It has nothing to do with being happy for her. Actually, I am happy that she has the chance to experience motherhood. I’m happy that she’s happy. I’m just jealous for myself and in my twisted mind, that totally makes sense.

So I’ve decided that jealousy and being happy for someone CAN co-exist.

As soon as I came to that conclusion, I felt 100 times better. I happily and freely basked in my jealousy for a bit and then moved on. I even looked at more pictures of her cute little baby and smiled.

Have you felt ‘baby envy’? If so, do you feel guilty about it?

 

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